there is nothing as lucky, as easy, and free

for the past week or so, i've been feeling very alone. i feel like i'm drifting away from everybody i'm close with. everybody. and its hard. i don't know, its almost as if everybody is changing but i'm still the same jordane. and i can't do a damn thing about it even if i tried to. the only thing i can really do is sit back and watch.

have been quite weird lately to be honest. with everybody. i just feel so disconnected to my closest group of friends. i don't know, everybody is just being kind of quiet, including me.. even things with brandon have been different. i kind of want to get away. thankfully i'm working all this week, to keep my mind off everything. i hate change, its usually for the worse. i hope things go back to normal soon, i can't take this!!

ah, summer time. sheer bliss. i wish my boyfriend were in town though. here's a picture from tonight.

i'm in a strange mood. i feel very numb, apathetic. i hope i get to see brandon tonight, sometimes i feel as if he doesn't really want to be with me, i hope that isn't the case. i'm sure i'm thinking about things way too much as usual. i'm sleepy. i think i love brandon and i'm trying very hard to avoid that feeling. i'm so full of shit. we're all so full of shit.

everything about my life is so beautiful

my life is so spontanious and exciting. things with brandon are great, i couldn't ask for anything more. i'm just really happy.

i woke up with this on my foot the morning after prom. i honestly don't know where it came from!! anywhom, saturday night was the best night of my life. i got really smashed, but i got to be really smashed with the most amazing people. (minus olivia =( ) we stayed in the hotel all night and we never went to sleep, we ended up talking and goofing around all night. i really don't know what else to say about it, ha.

ah, spring break

so many things have been happening in the past month.. i think i'll start from where i left off with my last post. it was really hard getting over brett, i'm still a little sad about it every now and then but i'm honestly better off without him. i feel so free, its like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i do miss him every once in a while, but how could i not? he was a really big part of my life. we don't talk anymore, but i'm happy its that way. i know if i talked to him i would be upset a lot of the time or want him back. a few weeks after brett and i were overwith, i started talking to somebody else. his name is andrew cribbs. i'm so stupid for liking him. i picked up from school one day and since then he swept me off of my feet. i'm not sure what it is, he's the opposite of my type. he's a thug, a drug dealer, a player, pretty much everything a girl isn't supposed to want in a guy. and i didn't either, i just loved him for who he was. i've known him for a while, its not like i just randomly started talking to him btw. he was charming and we started hanging out a lot and he eventually became my boyfriend, for 4 days. hahah. its so ridiculous and quite humiliating. even after breaking up we acted like we were dating, he just wanted the freedom of being able to do whatever he wants. and he got what he wanted. i let him have sex with me and that was just a mistake. i don't regret it but i wish he atleast talked to me now, i feel so trashy. it was good for me though, it really helped me overcome the sadness i had with brett, and it was just a lot of fun hanging around andrew. he's very careless and i started to become that too. after everything with andrew, here i am now! i'm actually talking to brandon mintle now. he's so sweet and just my "type", we're exactly alike, i really like him. we've been hanging out a lot lately, its nice. school is stressing me out beyond belief...i have two D's and an F... i've been slacking way too much, i just don't have any motivation. i'm surprised my dad hasn't taken my car away. i'm grateful that he's given me another chance. i always feel so hopeless and depressed in school. i just get this negative energy from all of the people and teachers and my lack of motivation doesn't really help much. my friends really help me through the day though, i honestly don't know what i would do without them. i love them so much. i've been working a lot lately too. i go straight from school to work, almost every day. its not bad though, i love my job. i love the people at my job, we hang out outside of work sometimes and it truly is awesome. brandon actually came through the drive-thru yesterday just to say hi, it was really cute. =) i'll be posting more soon

well happy valentines day? haha. it seems to be so overrated only when you have nobody to share it with. so much shit has been happening with brett >_> and i honestly do not give a shit anymore. he dumped me over the phone sunday night after getting off work. because he "wants to be friends" "because he feels that way". dumbass. he likes someone else, which i'm sure is the real reason. i missed two days of school just laying in my bed and crying. tuesday, however, i went to talk to him at his school because he absolutely wouldn't give me the time of day. and hey, what do you know? he wouldn't speak to me in between his classes either. he calls me names and acts as if we don't even know each other. i don't know what the fuck got into him but its his loss. considering i did nothing wrong. anyways, i'm starting to get a lot more serious about my school work and it makes me happy. i only wish that i could've tried really hard my first two years =/ it really lowered my GPA. theres nothing to ever write about in here, hence never posting

things will never go my way. i wish atleast one person in my life would put as much into a relationship as much as i do. i'm giving up on you

this christmas has really sucked. i spent probably half of my day crying or tearing up because of brett. i'm so tired of this shit. we broke up for good this time i suppose, but i'm somewhat happy that i can be with mark now. he's a real gentleman, he opens doors for me and he offers to pay for me, which is really sweet. we spent a couple hours at starbucks talking about pretty much everything and it was really fun, he makes me laugh =) he's really adorable though! we were talking and all of the sudden we're hand in hand and he told me i was really pretty. hahah, its nice to feel carefree with a guy again. so much stress has been brought with brett. anyways, i got a lot of nice things this year and i couldn't be more grateful. i'm planning on going shopping with my second paycheck and 50 dollars i got from mom. (i would have 70 dollars more but i spent it all on bretts gift) but anyways, i can't wait to blow my money on cute clothes, i'm sure it'll make me feel so much better. i don't know what i'm doing for new years but hopefully i'm doing something fun if anything at all.

so much shit has been going on its like seriously unbelievable. first things first, i broke up with brett last night because i wasn't happy. i'm regretting it though so we'll see where that takes us. i also like a guy named mark, thus making things 10 times harder on me. i've been working seriously all weekend and this is the last week before christmas break (thank god) also, brett and my 1 year is thursday and we might be celebrating if we get back together. i'm also working that day. oh, and i get my first paycheck tomorrow $200+

everythings back to normal and i couldn't be happier. i wish thanksgiving break wasn't over =/

i've never felt so worthless/shitty until yesterday.. after giving blood yesterday, in my seventh period, i got a text message from brett saying that we needed to talk. i'm sure everybody knows by now that something bad is about to happen if somebody says that. so i drove over to zachs and out of nowhere, he's telling me that he doesn't want to be together and i deserve better and that he's unhappy and stuff. i also asked him if he was in love with me and he said "i think so..." so after 3 hours of talking and sobbing he thought it would be best to 'go on a break'. basically not talk for two days, and i told him i couldn't do that because he'd basically be leading me on for two days if he decided he didn't want to get together again. and all of this is so weird because before that, i thought everything was great. and all of the sudden he's telling me he's unhappy. it blindsighted me because he's been telling me that he was happy. it's all really confusing and really hard to understand. i don't even know why he's unhappy and everytime i ask he says "i don't know.." i also asked him repeatedly what i did wrong and he said it wasn't me. i honestly don't know what to think right now but i'm really paranoid and confused. anyways, i have orientation at mcdonalds at 1045 and then afterwards i'm going to disneyquest with my family. i hope today turns out good.

things are finally starting to come together =)

i've been so happy lately, i've never been this happy in my life. and it's so weird, but i feel like i owe most of my happiness to brett. i don't know i just feel like if i'm ever feeling lonely or sad, i just call him or get a sweet text from him and it's like a 180. things are just really awesome right now, with my friends, family, school, basically everything. one thing i reallllly need now is a job though, its so much harder than i thought. but hopefully i'll get one soon enough! before christmas especially.

does this shit still???
haha anyways yeah...ima let yall know whats good wit me.
i know you'll lurk geekers since some people still use their live journal.

k s0o0o0o uhm everythings perfect in my life
cant complain: my recitals next weekend,nationals the weekend after,then disney? im still lovin dance
im still with my boo marcos,goin on 5 months =] [[hate on it]]

tomorrow the whole crew is g0in t0 seaworld,then when we get back idk we might hit tha club up again
but i dont think im allowed back in since i was in that whole group fight and got kicked out too haha w/e

i drove over to chelseas house the other day by myself since yeah i can drive now it was cool,i miss that girl nd kiara too,those 2 ill never lose contact with.

but damn i feel lame as fuck typin shit for ya'll live journal losers haha

dueces xoxo_CASANDRA

it's been so long since i've post in my "lj". things have been really good lately. school is good, things with my friends are good, and things in my relationship with brett are good. the weather is so beautiful lately, it's chilly but i love it. it's a lot better than the humidity. friday is halloween and i'm hanging out with stephanie and karson and we're actually going to dress up. a year ago on halloween was when brett and i had our first kiss. it's pretty cool. but he has to work that day =/ nothing else is really going on, i've been driving a lot lately.